


Chaperone: Three-is-a-crowd Prudent Opposition  ~OR~  C is for Cockblock

by tomthefanboy



Series: Chaperone: Three-is-a-crowd Prudent Opposition  ~OR~  C is for Cockblock [1]
Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Childhood, Gen, Jealousy, Single Parents, Single Parents Dating, The Dark Side of the Force, grown ups being gross, mom's boyfriend
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-22 15:34:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13169901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomthefanboy/pseuds/tomthefanboy
Summary: A look into why and how C-3PO became the droid we know.(technically a first draft, but I figured I would post since my beta gave me a XD )





	Chaperone: Three-is-a-crowd Prudent Opposition  ~OR~  C is for Cockblock

**Author's Note:**

> "You're like some sort of... giant... cock blocking robot built in a lab somewhere!" - Columbus, Zombieland

Anakin knew that there was nothing more gross than a hutt. He had seen Jabba once when he came through Mos Espa for the Boonta Eve race. Fat and slimy and wriggly.  They drooled and belched and devoured all kinds of other disgusting things. If his mom had caught him touching half the stuff he had heard about hutts eating, she would probably scrub his hands for a week. That’s why it made Anakin so mad that she would be so NICE to the second grossest thing he had ever seen. She would take food from the thing. She would even let the thing touch her shoulder or her arm without running screaming for the fresher. Anakin just could not understand why his mom seemed to LIKE something as stomach turning as a CORELLIAN.

It took a whole week of talking to Daxter and the other kids (and Watto, though he was rarely helpful in these sorts of things) before he believed that Corellians were humans and not some sort of greasy half-wookiee. His mom had told him as much when he introduced him to ‘Dann’ but the way that she acted around the man, Anakin wasn’t sure he could trust her judgement in the matter. She told him that they had met at the market when he was delivering a shipment of Dralli Melons. The man had smiled and taken a knee to greet Anakin eye to eye but Anakin was still suspicious. He had a smell on him like a sick eopie and when they shook hands (at mom’s insistence) the man’s hands were strangely smooth. Everybody Anakin had ever met had a smell of dust and sweat. Everybody Anakin trusted had dry skin and calluses. This “Dann” had neither of those things but for some reason he had earned the trust of his mother in just one day.

Every night, when Anakin got home from working at Watto’s shop, there was Dann. He was helping grind the liklik root. He was soldering the ceiling vaporator that was too high for anakin to fix himself. He was drinking blue milk out of Anakin’s favorite mug!  Worst of all, he was ALWAYS staying for dinner. When Dann left each night, Anakin would try and convince his mom this should be the last time.

He brought up the smell, and she explained it was cologne.

He brought up the hands, and she explained moisturizer.

He brought up the fact that nobody he talked to had EVER seen him before, she explained that he was the captain of a freighter that had only landed on Tattooine last week.

Dann was a SPACER. That brought Anakin up short. Space pilots were Anakin’s heroes. Anakin wanted to fly more than anything. He’d wanted to be a pilot ever since Watto had eaten too many dewback ribs on Sunset Day and let him drive the repulsor sled back to the shop. The feeling of a ship humming beneath you, obeying your every command, your will and its motion becoming one. If Dann got to do THAT for a living maybe he wasn’t all bad.

Anakin seemed to have come around after that. When he got home from the shop he would pepper Dann with questions about space. What planets had he been to? What aliens had he seen? Had he ever been in a space battle? Dann was surprised but took the new found enthusiasm in stride and (at mom’s insistence) indulged Anakin with a story or two. Carefully censored (also at mom’s insistence), but still enough to win the seven year old over. When the Bantha drive from Jundland arrived and it was time for him to go, Dann invited the Skywalkers to visit his ship. 

The Hosnian Camel was a Mobquet Medium Transport. The landing pad was really just a five meter deep box canyon that was stable enough to support larger space craft and had steep cliffs that would allow larger vessels to open up cliff-side gantries for loading. When all the pod racers came to the planet on Boonta Eve, this is where their freighters parked. At the moment though, the 100 meter long orange and green freighter was alone in the canyon. Tired bantha were being herded into the midship cargo pod while Dann led mother and son up to the fore pod.

It was a fine distraction. Anakin scrambled up the ladder to the cockpit. He hung from the zip hook as it pulled him down the long dorsal tube to the engined room. He dodged away from the irate Zutton who found him poking around the hyperdrive in the engine room. He climbed the webs of catwalks hanging over the cargo hold. He sat in the forward gun turret and pretended to blast pirate with the dual laser cannon. He ran his fingers over every button in the cockpit, even the ones that required him to climb onto the seats or console to reach. He dared to turn on the comm and listened to the chatter of a dozen different languages as he swung the receiver through the frequencies.

Anakin’s head was filled with dreams of captaining his own ship when he grew up. Imagining what color it would be. What aliens he would get in his crew. What planets he’d go to. The thousand thoughts an excited child has when presented with something new. All that went away when he slid down the ladder to the crew quarters and saw his mom and Captain Dann. He had opened his mouth, planning to ask a question he couldn’t even remember now. There in the hatch to the Captain’s quarters, Dann was… KISSING his mother!

Anakin yelled. He felt angry and disgusted all at once. Kissing was something that was for parents and kids! Family! Sure there were slaves that were forced to kiss their owners or let the owners kiss them (luckily Watto wasn’t that kind of owner) but that was close enough. Grown ups kissing each other was as unnatural as him kissing Daxter or the little rodian that moved in last season. He shouted for his mom to come home now before he covered the floor in the drallie melon he’d had at breakfast.

The adults both chuckled and, with a sigh, his mother relented and accompanied him up the ladder to the exit. Dann saw them off at the airlock and mentioned he would come by next time he was in the system. His mom said that she looked forward to it. Anakin said nothing. He spent the whole walk back to their hut brooding. His mind racing. Trying to outrun the image of that scruffy CORELLIAN with his lip pressed against his mother’s. Trying to find a way to make sure that it never happened again. Over the next week, he kept trying to figure out how to protect his mom when he wasn’t there. Then one day the inspiration came into Watto’s shop.

His muse turned out to be a moisture farmer. The man came into town to get a new motivator for his technician droid. Back on the farm, the droid had been given the order to detect and repair any leaks in the vaporators or plumbing. Somewhere along the line water had sprayed onto the droid mid-repair and gotten through a loose housing into his circuits. The humidity sensors had been overclocked and now, no matter how the order was worded, the droid would attempt to seal any source of humidity  in range. This included the farmer’s snoring mouth when he was napping. There was still a bright red square of irritated skin on the farmer’s face where the droid had attempted to tape a flex patch.

If Anakin could find a way to get a droid to keep an eye on his mom, he could sneak some programming in to make sure that she wouldn’t have a chance to kiss anybody else. ESPECIALLY not people from CORELLIA. It would take time reading through data tapes on programming, a good deal of secrecy to keep his mom from catching on, a lot of junk picking, and a little luck convincing Watto to let him keep the parts. Anakin knew he could do it! He would build the perfect chaperone!


End file.
